I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
