Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
