How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
