ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
