mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
