i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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