I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
