bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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