They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
