At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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