I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
