I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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