I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
