Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
