Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
