When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
