did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
