Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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