I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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