Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
wow bdsm is so cute
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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