i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
