her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
