I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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