Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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