The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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