i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
