Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
