The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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