Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
