i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
