"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
