What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
