I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
