i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
