Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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