"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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