I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
