I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
