remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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