I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
