And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
