I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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