If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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