there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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