do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
