He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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