My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
