sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
