I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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