she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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