I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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