i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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