Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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