I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize