Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize