I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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