I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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