I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
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