Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
