my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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