Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize