I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
